Behavior Problems?

Maybe We Need to Think Again

I was visiting with a friend the other day and was struck by a comment she made. She said her grandson had some "behavior problems." I know she meant no harm in using those words. As a woman who's a bit older, this would have been the typical way to describe a young boy having challenges in school.  But those words stuck with me all day. 

Behavior problems...

So I started thinking back about my own son's "behavior problems," and what those words mean to those of us whose kids are neurodivergent. As I heard those words over and over in my head, it seemed so obvious. When our kids are struggling with their behavior, the behavior is often not the issue. In almost all cases, the behavior is the symptom of what's happening inside their heads: the overwhelm, the dysregulation, the shutdown, the frustration.

The "bad behavior" is simply what happens when they get to a boiling point and don't know what else to do except scream, flail, run, hit, curse, or throw something. The idea that teaching them not to scream, flail, run, hit, curse, or throw something will somehow fix the problem feels almost comical to me now.

It's not about the screaming.  It's why is my child screaming?

How is it that these behaviors are so often not seen for what they are: a cry for help? What is this child unable to express to the adults in the room? What needs to be figured out so that they can feel safe enough to learn, and be given the support they actually need to do so?

And why is the solution so often a consequence?

Please tell me when it's worked that any student has had some permanent change to their behavior because they were asked to stop, asked to leave the room, had their electronics taken away, or, my personal favorite, had recess taken away because of these "behavior problems."  I used to plead with teachers not to do that to my son. If not for him, then for them. How did they think the rest of their afternoon was going to go if they didn't let my kid have the one break in the day where he could run around?

The deeper question, of course, is one that takes far more time and effort from teachers, schools, counselors, and families, and that is:

Why is this child displaying these behaviors in the first place?  What needs are not being met to cause the child to be dysregulated?  There are so many possible answers to that that I can only scratch the surface here, but one possible answer is sensory overload.

Many neurodivergent people have sensory super powers!  Like the bionic nose!  That’s what we used to say my son had – the ability to smell things from 100 yards away!  On the other hand, I can barely smell anything, thanks to clogged sinuses, but my hearing has gotten so heightened! And, these things change with age.  Loud music never used to bother me.  After all, I am a musician, and have certainly been in loud musical environments all of my life.  But, as I have gotten older, suddenly, I have become my parents!  I’m like, OMG, why is the music at this party SO loud? 

A story of another bionic nose….One young boy I know was at school and at lunch time, he blurted out, "Who is eating that awful smelling Chinese food in here? It stinks!” Sadly, because he said, "Chinese food," his comment was questioned as possibly being racist, which was quite a stretch.  Knowing this young Jewish boy, I can assure you that if someone had walked in carrying a plate of gefilte fish, he would have blurted out, “Who is eating that smelly Jewish food?  It stinks!”  The bionic nose doesn’t discriminate because, of course, the issue wasn't the culture, or even the food.  The issue was the smell of the food. The smell caused him to have a sensory overload.  Once that happened, his nervous system could no longer control what he said or did.  He just needed that smell to stop.

When these sensory overload situations happen at home, at least our kids are in a safe environment (hopefully) to try to express what is happening so that we can help them.  But, if they are in school when the first reaction from the teacher, or person in charge, is to simply push to stop the behavior rather than ask what is causing it, the child is no longer safe, and the behavior will not only NOT stop, it will most likely escalate.

When we only focus on stopping the behavior, we miss the opportunity to understand what's causing it. Instead of asking, "How do I make this stop?" maybe we need to start asking, "What might be happening with this child right now to cause this?"

Because the behavior was never really the problem. The behavior was the just the symptom. The sign.  Please notice me.  Help me.  Let’s be there for them to do that.