Meet Them Where They Are

While watching Parenthood – again – I heard something that really struck me this time.  If you know this show, you know.  If you don’t, it’s about an extended family, and one of the grandsons on the show is diagnosed with Asperger’s from the very beginning.  (Now known as ASD1).  The young boy, Max, around 8, will only wear his pirate costume to school – every day.  This is obviously not the only marker the parents are seeing, but this one, as you can imagine, causes Max trouble at school, and is a huge source of pain for his father, Adam.

In the second episode, the parents are lucky to get in to see a hugely sought after psychologist, Dr. Pelikan, who is the community guru because they want to get a diagnosis.  Up until this point, both parents are aware that something is “different” about Max, but Adam is more willing to overlook it as “he will just grow out of it” and the mother, Kristina, well, she innately knows that there’s something more here.  When they are threatened with having Max expelled from his elementary school because they “can’t handle his needs,” getting in to see Dr. Pelikan becomes urgent.  Adam has been the kind of dad who continues to be dogmatic and demanding, working on disciplinary actions he’s no doubt taken with his older daughter, to no avail.  Kristina sees that this is not working, but she is at a loss for what will. 

Does this sound familiar to anyone? 

At the end of the appointment, Dr. Pelikan shares with Adam and Kristina that he feels that Max does indeed have Asperger’s.  Before they even have a minute to absorb that fact, Adam quickly, in his best business-like manner asks, “since it was so hard to get in here to see you, and we don’t know when we’ll get in here again, can you please just tell us how to get him out of the pirate costume?”  To that, Dr. Pelikan so eloquently responds:

The first step is actually not to wrench Max out of his comfort zone. The first step is to join Max where he is, and then, when he’s ready, you walk him into the world.

At the end of the episode, we see Adam, dressed in a pirate costume of his own, running around the backyard, playing with Max.  Full Stop.

As soon as I finished bawling – and keep in mind I’ve watched this show more than once – I had to write Dr. Pelikan’s comment down and think about it for a minute.  Not only was his statement beautifully worded, I felt it was poignant and bears repeating. 

As I took a quick trip back in my mind and thought about all of the times we tried to drag our son out of his comfort zone….so often, well, sadness, guilt, shame, so many emotions come up for me.  Yet, deep down inside, I know now that I didn’t know then.  In those days, I didn’t even know my son was Autistic, much less how we could better respond to his needs.  So, yes, even though I have worked hard at not blaming myself for what happened, all of it still happened and it still saddens me.  The only relief from that is that we have all learned so much from those days, and I have to believe that learning is why we are here on earth.  And, in many ways, we learn most often when we struggle.

But, the second part of that statement?  The world that he was in?  I do still smile about so many of those moments.  One of my favorites being when he was in preschool and said, “Miss Penny, I can’t write today because I’m a penguin and I don’t have any arms!”  What 4 year old comes up with this stuff?  I wish I had joined him in that world.  For sure, I thought it was funny, but seeing his teachers concern caused my moments of joy from this beautiful fantasy world that he was in to fade rather quickly, as we started to hear from them, “maybe he should be tested….” 

Still, the world we live in asks us, really demands us, to drag our kids OUT of their comfort zones.  Why? Because we are told that THEY need to adapt to the WORLD instead of creating a world that they can adapt to – not forever, but while they are still young and need that safe space to discover themselves and who they are, and how they will be able to fit into this world somehow comfortably – through their comfort zone, which will take time.  Would we ask a child in a wheelchair to roll themselves up the stairs?  I don’t think so.  We know that they need to have accommodations to fit into the world, and thankfully, the world has figured that out and provided ramps to help them.  We need to work towards creating “ramps” – special ways to allow our neurodivergent humans to enter into this world in a safe way, through their comfort zone, joining them where they are, understanding where they are coming from, and when we do, to the best of our ability, helping to guide them into the world that awaits them, feeling supported and understood, and only, when they are ready.  Thank you for this reminder, Dr. Pelikan.